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 会馆民俗: “友方”到“偷婚”



“友方”到“偷婚” 

作者:施桂英
 

每当夜幕垂下,苗寨的寨上或路边,手电灯光和天上星月辉映闪烁,哨声和情歌婉转应和,那是苗族青年男女在“友方”——寻找知音哩……。 
在黔东南苗族、侗族自治州的雷山、台江、剑河、凯里一带,每一个苗族村寨都有一个或者两个“友方”场,或在寨头空地、或在场坝一隅、或在房头路边。苗族实行比较严格的氏族外婚制,同一宗族血统不准通婚。所以,姑娘一般必须到外寨的“友方”场谈爱。“友方”时间,除民族节日盛会外,一般在农历每月中旬及其前后有月亮的晚上,月亮越圆越亮,“友方”的青年越多;而没有月亮的晚上,“友方”的很少。 
“友方”开始时,大多是集体活动,小伙子、姑娘各为一方,集体唱歌或谈话;往往小伙子们先唱几首,姑娘们才搭理对唱,在集体对歌和交谈时,各人都在留心寻找着自己的意中人,注意听其歌声、言语,观其举止表情,一旦择中了心上的人,就各自结伴到“友方”场边,彼此距离不远,或站或坐,小声对唱情歌,以歌声来询问和回答对方、吐露初衷;或直接用言语交谈、畅叙情怀,那歌声,娓娓柔曼、情意深长;而叙谈可谓窃窃私语,似细流潺潺……。 
对唱交谈,根据双方意愿,有的一、二个小时,有的三、四个小时,乃至通宵达旦。黔东南苗族、侗族自治州素有“歌舞的海洋”之称,用不着担心他们哪有这么多的歌来唱,他们往往依据此情此景,信口编出歌来唱和不止。 
男女之间只限于言语歌声的交往,情怀的倾诉。对唱、交谈—般是站着进行,也可席地而坐;但不管是坐是立,男女之间都要间隔一定距离,小伙子必须礼貌规矩,不得口出流言,更不能动手动脚。如果小伙子有非分言语、越轨动作,姑娘就认为这小伙子不礼貌、不稳重,甚至生气,愤然离去,这样的小伙子将遭到大家的谴责。 
经过几次“友方”,男女双方彼此较为合心合意,就开始交换信物,在交换信物之前,姑娘还要暗托自己知心的女友,通过各种途径打听男方的人品、性情和家庭情况。交换信物大都是小伙子先提出请求,在没有拿准姑娘的心愿之前,往往先向姑娘讨一块手拍、毛巾等小物件以作试探;交换的信物,男方一般是上衣,女方是绣花围腰、围腰银链和上衣。头一次交换信物后,再进一步相互接触中,如果不中意,就不再进行第二次了,以前交换的信物一般要退换回来。男女双方—般在交换二、三次衣物后,感情基础就接近缔接姻缘的程度;家庭条件好的姑娘,—条银质围腰链价值几十元,如果小伙子交换到手,那办喜事就有十分把握了。 
当姑娘完全信得过钟情的小伙子后,有的征求父母意见;父母同意后,托人做媒,完婚志喜。自然也有这种情况:父母要包办女儿的婚事,姑娘则要按自己的意愿选择配偶;或是姑娘在“友方”中钟情于小伙子,通过某种方式征求父母意见而遭拒绝,在这种情况下,男女双方要达到结合的美事,就只有“偷结姻缘”。 
偷婚,即在夜里迎娶新娘。是夜,男方同亲房叔伯兄弟若干人在约定地点迎候新娘;新娘则由要好的女友若干人陪伴,悄然会合新郎和迎亲队伍。新娘到男家没有什么家妆,只带随身衣物,还要带一把布伞,因为进男家门时须打伞而入;新娘由女友陪伴进入新房,立即关扣房门不出,谨防女方父母得知消息。此夜,不论新娘接回的早晚,新郎都要回避;新娘到了新郎家,要由姑子伴宿。 
新娘过门的第二天早晨,由姑嫂担着水桶,领新娘到水井抬水;进门前把水桶交给新娘抬进家门。据苗家习俗,一般是由妇女抬水吃用,抬水仪式表明新娘已是男家主妇了。这一天,新郎家举行婚宴,以示“偷婚”成功,相告寨邻。 
新娘父母第二天不见女儿,—般都知道是怎么回事;但有的还不知道女婿是谁,家住何方?只好托人打听;即使知道姑娘出走何处,心中虽然气恼,但也无可奈何!姑娘父母在焦急、气恼中等待着。到第三天,男家就选派本家族中能说会道的叔伯兄弟作代表,上女方家登门拜访,介绍新郎各方面的情况,请求认亲;如女方家长爽口同意,那自然好,这样顺利成功的情况极少;多数的情形是,女方家长当场表示恼怒,拒收礼物,甚而破口大骂,棒撵来客。在这种情况下,不管多少难堪的言语和行动,来客都必须勇敢的承受,并耐心做好解释工作;这样,有的家长气恼渐消,认可这门亲事。当然,也有自始至终不认。“偷婚”亲事的家长,如说不服父母的铁石心肠,姑娘则相准时机,偷偷跑回男家,家长如再去找回,她还会再次逃去;因为,“偷婚”是苗族社会认可的婚姻形式,所以父母最后无可奈何,而群众还要称赞男女之间这种坚贞、诚挚、纯洁的爱情。 

本文发表于《东方龙》1991年3月总第8期


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贴出者为 Anonymous    贴出时间为 2009-09-15 00:38:20
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